It is late. Again. I have lots of things to write about and mull over but I need to get some sleep.
So, I will be brief.
I try to be grateful for something, every day. Every single day, I try to have the thought, “I am so lucky to have/be/feel [insert something amazing or prosaic here]. I have a lot of anger and resentment and jealousy that get in the way of being grateful. So, I try to make a conscious effort to say, “I am grateful.”
The truth is, I don’t know what constitutes “a lot” of anger, resentment or jealousy. I just know I feel those things more often, in greater intensity, than I want to. I have a tendency to compare myself to other people. And it is not usually a favorable comparison. Meaning, I do not look at other people and think, “I am better off, smarter, more interesting”. I think, when I am comparing, that I am less than. Less smart, less accomplished, less interesting, less hard-working, less talented. Blah, blah, blah.
I don’t feel resentment or jealousy because I want more things, new clothes, nicer car. I don’t drive through the fancy neighborhood and covet someone else’s house. I covet the sense of security and safety I think they must feel, being able to live in a big house in a fancy neighborhood. Then, I remember that a sense of security does not really come from where you live. And I am not sure that it really comes from how much money you have – though I am pretty sure more money has the potential to make you feel more secure.
In any case, on good days, when I am not doing any comparing – and I am having more of those days in the last couple of years – I feel grateful for what I do have. And my sense of security and safety comes from a feeling that I can handle whatever I need to. I don’t settle into some sense of security that I can’t lose everything I care about; I settle into a confidence that I am equal to whatever happens.
And some days, when I am listing the things I am grateful for, sometimes it is as simple as having the most loving, patient dog. I know I won’t always have him but I know I can handle that and just feel grateful that I have him now.