Tuesday, 23 August, 2022 – We have not talked with Elias in a few days. There’s been a couple pictures, and a note saying he was on his way to Paris but nothing really substantial. Which is fine. (I think I said this before, a few weeks ago.) But I started to feel a little uneasiness creeping in, an impulse to let my imagination go to not-so-good places.
Then I thought about whether that uneasiness was because I was genuinely worried about Elias – without any evidence to warrant worry – or was it because I simply did not know what to do with the feeling of not knowing, not having a plan. Of course, it is the latter. I couldn’t write that sentence if I did not recognize I go straight to worry, now that I don’t know what he’s doing and where he is. (He is with his closest friends and in Paris, by the way.) I want to be able to say to him that if I sound worried, or admonish him to “be careful” too often, it is not about him, it is me.
In my purse, ever since Elias was a baby, I have carried: several band-aids (in 3 different sizes), neopsporin, tweezers, q-tips, lip balm, a tampon, a sanitary pad, eye drops, gasX, nail clippers, a nail file, matches, lotion, a ponytail holder, bobby pins, ibuprofen, tylenol, benedryl, and baby aspirin (in case I see someone starting to have a heart attack). All that in addition to a pencil, a pen, paper, pictures of my children, a note with my mother’s handwriting on it, a note from my father from many years ago, notes from David, a note from my friend Rachel about my being a good mother that I re-read periodically, eye glass cleaner, peppermints, kleenex, and alcohol wipes.
I freely admit none of that stuff ever helped prepare me for anything really important. The ibuprofen is useful, as is the kleenex, and occasionally, a band-aid. But I’ve never used the tweezers, or alcohol wipes, or matches, and I’ve never saved someone’s life with my stash of baby aspirin. I cannot bring myself to take any of it out of my purse though, because it makes me feel prepared, which makes me feel better.
Very early today, Elias’s time, he texted David to say happy birthday. He said, “Paris is much better second time. Eating good food and taking it easier.”
All of a sudden, my uneasiness is gone. Silly me and my stupid baby aspirin.